I’ll never forget the day she died. Granted, it was only a two-year relationship, and she was just a hamster, but nonetheless, it was an emotional day. Not necessarily because she died, but because of the chain of events set into motion by her death.
I was in the kitchen eating my usual breakfast, a bag of baby carrots with a cup of black coffee, when all of a sudden the usually incessant sound of her squeaky hamster wheel stopped abruptly. I figured she had fallen off, which used to happen a few times each day, but the quiet remained for a full minute as I listened intently, hesitant to chew the half carrot remaining in my mouth to avoid the crunch so as not to miss a sound. Such quietude was unprecedented. I went to check on her and what I saw I would not even wish upon Pol Pot if he were alive. Her heart had literally exploded out of her chest. There was blood everywhere.
I collapsed on the floor and cried manly tears. Poor little Lolita Hamsterita didn’t know when enough exercise was too much. It was my fault. I had been telling her how fat she was lately and I guess neither did I know when enough was too much.
My depression turned to rage as I flew into the kitchen, grabbed the remaining baby carrots and threw them one by one as hard as I could, still crying, just looking for some release. I poured the remaining coffee over my head, which I realize makes absolutely no sense. We are capable of strange things during such storms of emotional volatility.
I awoke from my pain-induced blackout an hour later to an acute burning sensation on my scalp. The coffee had caused a severe burn. Time to go to the hospital.
I walked out of the kitchen, deliberately and angrily crushing baby carrots beneath my feet, and hopped on my Vespa. Of course I couldn’t wear my helmet due to the burn, and of course I would get pulled over.
“License and registration please,” said the officer as he approached me from behind.
“Officer, I…”
“Jesus H Christ what in the hell happened to your head!?”
“It’s a long story involving baby carrots, an exploding hamster heart, hot coffee, and a whirlwind of emotions, Officer. I’m trying to get to the hospital.”
He still wrote me a ticket before sending me on my way.
The cool breeze felt great on my burn. So great, in fact, that I decided the hospital was no longer necessary. I figured since I already got a ticket for not wearing a helmet, that I had a day pass, so I went for a nice cruise through the countryside. (Incidentally, it turns out you CAN get more than one ticket in one day for the same offense.)
It was now, I think, around 11 am, and I was in an area I had not known existed. There were hills covered in thick forest, and small, clear streams alongside the roads. There were farm houses, cows, and all types of wildlife.
Unfortunately, I hadn’t had the foresight to wear eye protection when I left my house helmetless, so bugs (and one unfortunate sparrow) were constantly barraging my face as I navigated the winding country roads at close to 60 mph. One honeybee was a direct hit in my left eye so I had to keep it closed as I continued my ride. Depth perception became quite difficult, but the breeze didn’t feel nearly as good at 50 mph or less so I kept my pace.
The last thing I remember was seeing a horsefly facing directly into my right eyeball, then everything went black. I don’t even remember the impact, but the doctors say the ambulance driver said I flew off the road into a ditch. Fortunately, a farmer saw the whole thing and was able to dial 911, which saved my life.
As I type this I’m in a hospital bed, and the story I just told isn’t the main story, thank God. It’s a stupid, embarrassing story. It all just leads up to the my main purpose here, which is to tell you about what happened when I died. And I did die for quite a while, according, again, to the ambulance driver.
There was no break in consciousness from the moment the horsefly hit my right eye to the time I found myself in a room, at a table, with several other people, or beings, as you prefer. Their attire seemed to be from different Earth centuries, and they were of all different races. Strange to see that gathering of people around a table in what seemed to be a corporate conference room, but stranger still how I had ended up there at all. The man at the head of the table was some kind of Buddhist monk, judging by his appearance and his demeanor, which was calm and content, with what I perceived to be the slightest hint of annoyance. He seemed to be in charge and was the only one who would speak during the meeting, other than yours truly.
“You’re dead, in case you didn’t realize it.”
“I don’t feel dead.”
“Well, your body is dead anyway. You, like everyone else, still exist as you always have, as you always will. But the guy speeding on his moped with a burned scalp and one eye closed – that guy’s dead. What do you have to say for yourself?”
Now he was obviously annoyed.
“I don’t know. Sorry? What’s going on here anyway?”
“When humans die, they first go into what I’ll call a life review. So here we are, we are your guides, the ones who have helped you survive throughout your life, the ones who have guided you spiritually, unbeknownst to you. We’ve helped you navigate the physical world, we’ve had to save your life in increasingly creative ways throughout your days, but this last time, well there was nothing we could do to mitigate your stupidity. So. What do you have to say for yourself?”
“I’m sorry. Really sorry.” And I was. “And thank you guys for your help. I guess I always thought…well, that when you die, that’s it, you’re dead.”
“Yet still you lived your life as you did, a life of laziness, debauchery, and impressive stupidity. Let’s start your review. In a moment we’ll go through every major and minor event in your life and you will see from an objective viewpoint the ramifications of your actions. You will feel what those around you felt as if you were they. You will understand the further-reaching causes and effects of your life in a way you couldn’t while you were incarnated. Are you ready?”
“Wait, so there’s no way I can go back?”
“You…would you want to?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I guess I kinda would. I really…well I guess you know, but I really used to like having a few beers and watching the birds. I’d like to do that again.”
“That’s it? Drinking and watching birds?”
“Well, other stuff too, but you probably know what those things are so I don’t have to think about them. Right?”
“Right. You wouldn’t want to think too hard. Yes, you do have the option to go back, but first, give us a second.”
In an instant, the entirety of my knowledge as a consciousness flooded my mind and I understood all there was to know. I understood all of my simultaneous incarnations, the fact that time was an illusion of the physical world, the fact that there was no such thing as death, just a temporary removal of conscious focus from the physical world. I felt in an instant all of the good and bad I had caused in all of my lives, I understood the fact that good and bad are simple conceptions of the human mind, and since my mind was no longer my physically-focused human mind, I was able to handle all of the knowledge with ease and without overwhelm. Understand that the words I’m using to describe this to you can in no way even begin to describe my experiences in that room, but I’m trying to put this into terms you can understand. Terms we can understand since I quite obviously chose to come back, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this.”
“Wowwwwwwww,” was all I could come up with. “It all seemed so real at the time.”
“It was real. It still is real. Just not quite as important as you thought.” He laughed.
“I still want to go back to see the bir…to see what else I can learn.”
“You really haven’t learned much in that life.”
“I know. Sorry.”
“You apologize too much. If you go back, do you want to remember this room and our meeting? It would allow you to do some good for once.”
I had to think about it. On the one hand, the potential to learn and fully experience humanhood was higher if I went back without the knowledge I now had. But on the other hand, it would be an interesting experience in itself to live a physical life with full knowledge of the wider reality. “I want to remember. What kind of shape will my body be in when I go back?”
“You understand now that as a human, you can heal yourself of almost anything. With the knowledge you will now have at your conscious disposal, you will heal yourself easily of your bruises, internal and external, but that burn on your scalp from the coffee…which, by the way, the coffee incident surprised all of us, to put it mildly, but I won’t ask since I don’t think you know either…that burn cannot be healed naturally and you will be unable to grow hair in that area. There will be, in your terms, a disgusting scar.”
“Damn. Yeah I don’t know what that was about either. Why don’t I remember anything about the accident or the ambulance ride?”
“Well first, you were dead for several minutes in the ambulance. Second, during such traumatic events, for both humans and animals, you understand on a deep level the acute physical pain you are about to experience. Most human and animal consciousnesses choose to remove themselves from the physical body during such experiences since not only would it be extremely unpleasant, to put it mildly, but there isn’t too much to be learned from actually experiencing that acute pain. If you or the animals seem to be conscious during such events, it is only the body consciousness acting automatically. You were not in your body during the crash and the immediate aftermath, so you have no memory of it.”
“I think that makes sense. So. Anything else before I go back?”
“One more thing. You realize now that you communicate with us unconsciously continuously throughout your human life. I would recommend learning to do so consciously so you can remember our interactions. For starters, pay special attention to your dreams. It will help you live a fulfilling physical life and greatly enhance your ability to help other physically-focused consciousnesses in their endeavors. In spite of your somewhat ignorant and base incarnation we here discuss, you are actually a quite highly evolved consciousness. A helper of sorts. You can start when you return by writing about this meeting. Many in your world in your time period have lost touch with their origins and are focused too intently on the world around them instead of their inner worlds, instead of the world in which you’re focused at this moment. Much good can come of it if you’re able to convince them of their greater power, the power of which very few retain any memory.”
“Cool. I’ll do that. So what now? I’m ready.” I was looking forward to having a few beers.
And with that, the room and its inhabitants slowly faded away and the hospital room took its place as I opened my human eyes.
That was a few days ago, and now, I’m happy to say, as I edit this story I wrote in the hospital, I’m on my porch drinking the first of what will be many beers, and my birds are happy once again to have the free, easy food I stock in their feeder with ever-increasing frequency. I’m pretty sure they spread the word quickly when there’s a human sucker to be taken advantage of. What they don’t realize is I only get them the cheapest stuff, so the joke’s on them as far as I’m concerned.
Take this all as you will.