How I Want My Wake to Go

I’ve been to a few wakes over the last couple of years, and I always cringe inside because I know I would never want such a thing for myself. We all know wakes are not for the dead, but for the living. They’re a way we can gain closure in our minds and pay our last respects.

But do you really want your friends and family to look upon your corpse? Even at the hands of the most skilled morticians, dead bodies look fucking terrible. I won’t go into detail but I’m sure you agree. It’s uncomfortable looking at them, it’s obvious they’re dead and have been for at least days, and as far as I can tell, no one actually wants to look at the corpse but only does so because it’s what’s expected of him. I think it’s a terrible practice. Do you want your last memory on this physical plane of someone you loved to be of his or her corpse? I don’t. Still, I always succumb to the pressure so as not to add any undue stress on an already grieving family and pay my respects on my knees and look at the corpse while talking to the individual in my head even though I’ve already done so beforehand in a more intimate, private setting.

We are not our bodies. Our bodies are purely machines made of mortal flesh which encase our eternal consciousnesses, machines which give us the means to navigate this physical plane for a short period of time in order for us to gain experience and expand our consciousnesses.

After the last recent wake I decided I wanted to put into writing my dying wishes in case I didn’t have the chance before I were to meet an early death. There will be no open casket. I wish for my body to be cremated as soon as possible and no one is to look upon it (as sexy as it is).

If you meditate and call upon me, I will answer and we can have a nice conversation. I will assure you that I’m fine, and although I would rather not have died so soon, I will be as happy as I ever was and perfectly content where I am.

I do not want my family to pay a funeral home to hold a death service for me, nor do I want a funeral or a gravesite or a tombstone. Just have a party for my wake. Hopefully I die when it’s warm out so you can have an outdoor party at one of my favorite summertime spots. And if it makes you feel good, you can keep the urn as a centerpiece and you can all pay your last respects that way. Make sure to talk about your favorite experiences with me. There should be plenty of alcohol, especially Tito’s vodka with cranberry juice and Sierra Nevada IPAs and Bombay Sapphire and/or Hendricks on the rocks and Coronas with fresh lime and Miller Lites and Grey Goose on the rocks and shots of Jose Cuervo Gold and Jagermeister and Keystone Light. New York strip steaks and buttery mashed potatoes should be abundant.

Even though it won’t matter to me in the least what happens with my ashes, I know if someone very close to me were to die, I would enjoy scattering the ashes in the places on Earth he/she held most dear, so if it pleases you, go ahead and do it, but again, only if you want to. I won’t care in the least. These are my places of choice, to be updated in the future as I come to love more places:

• My old neighborhood in Miami, FL, especially out in the bay where we used to build forts (and found a mysterious box), and a few on Elbow Lake where I used to swim and catch largemouth bass with friends
• Everglades, FL, especially the Flamingo marina and Northwest Cape and Little Sable Creek, where I experienced the best fishing on the planet
• The yard of my current house in CT which has been more of a home to me than any other
• Indian Hill CC down the street where I learned the greatest game ever devised by man
• The farm down the street where I love taking my dogs to clear my mind, and Olympia Diner down the street from there where I’ve probably definitely spent over $10,000.00 on omelettes and coffee.
• The Salmon and Farmington Rivers where I’ve spent many beautiful summer days
• Shenipsit Lake where I’ve spent many peaceful early mornings fishing alone in my canoe
• East Beach, RI where I’ve repeatedly experienced the height of relaxation
• Boston Lot Lake in NH where I’ve caught more smallmouth than I could ever count, my old fraternity house where I experienced the highest levels of debauchery, Hanover CC, and the pine needle path by the CT River by the golf course

God I love those places. Isn’t it amazing how we can become so attached to places? I guess we’re not so much attached to the places themselves but to the memories we’ve created in them.

My death will be sad, especially if premature. People will cry. But again, don’t worry – you can communicate with me if you really want to. I’ll stick around on the physical plane for a bit. Remember: sadness and despair are a necessary part of human life. Without them, it would be literally impossible to experience joy and bliss. And death is not the end, but rather a transition common to every human who has ever lived. We’ve all experienced it before and we will continue to experience it again and again and again for all of eternity.