Category: Toilet Humor
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The Life of an Asshole
I was hungry so I ripped a parking meter out of the cement, took it into the nearby alley and smashed it into the ground. There was only $3.75 in there so I picked up the homeless harmonica player’s box of tips and ran off. What a slow motherfucker he was. Another $12.50. Enough for…
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The Egg Tosser
Eugene sat hunched over on the corner of his bed, alone, and cried as he went through the day’s events in his head. His unhealthy obsession had become destructive and he was making people’s lives worse. Ruining their days. All because of his stupid obsession. Due to his high-protein diet, he always had serious gas,…
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Morning (Version II)
This is an alternate version of this post, which you should read first if you haven’t already. The peepee yellow sun rises slowly above the horizon, its vomit orange rays illuminating the quiet forest with its ancient trees, their diarrhea brown trunks and snot green leaves slowly coming to life in the soft, flaccid light.…
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Rain Cloud Mind
My mind’s a rain cloud, soaring high, Its thoughts descending, passing by, Creating ripples in the pools, Of memories past, unneeded tools. In every droplet, every thought, A giant universe is caught. Its creatures live a billion years, To us it’s just ’til my head clears. The smallest drop, a bright idea, Reminds my nose…
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Flamerman
Chuck woke up on the coach after having fallen asleep watching tv the previous night. The sunlight poured into the room and his eyes, which was what finally woke him. “Finally, Saturday,” he thought as he stretched out with a smile. But after a full ten seconds he realized it wasn’t Saturday. It was Tuesday.…
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My Grandfather in the Nuthouse
My grandfather had many flaws, which I won’t discuss, but he was easily the funniest person I’ve ever known. I loved him in spite of his flaws. As he neared the end of his time and his mind didn’t function as it should have, he would retell the same jokes often. Although I knew the…
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Bertha’s Physical
Dark, beady eyes peered out from behind her round, puffy face, which led down to a double… nay, a triple chin. She was strangely proud of her enormous breasts, wearing a shirt five or six sizes smaller than was tolerable for even the most non-judgmental set of eyes. It was an impressive bra indeed, somehow…
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Cecil’s Stage Fright
“Shoot out the pee-pee from my wee-wee hole, shoot out the pee-pee from my wee-wee hole, shoot out the pee-pee from my wee-wee hole.” Over and over Cecil repeated this in his head as he stood at the urinal. He had arrived just ahead of a co-worker, Damien. If Cecil had realized Damien was behind…
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How I Saved $300,000.00
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Cliff Jump
– cliff jumping with friends and girl I like – call friends pussies – jump first to show bravery – attempt back flip to show extreme bravery – scream like a preteen girl – belly flop from 50 feet into icy water – lose consciousness – friend jumps in to save me – everyone rushes…